I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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