Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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