My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
