His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
