The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
