I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
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