I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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