i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
