I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
