According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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