I want to make a zoo with you.
no, he came in my armpit
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
