Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
