Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
