Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We got so high we made milksteak
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize