It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
