I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize