My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
