why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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