you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
