It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
