Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
