didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize