I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
