It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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