if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
There's always time for handjobs
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
