we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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