I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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