Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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