fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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