Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
