I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
