So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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