I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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