I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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