Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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