Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
