Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
