Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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