Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
