My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
