as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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