Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
