i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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