hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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