The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
