I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
