he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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