i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
