haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
