well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
