Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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