"it" just moved
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
