I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
