He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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