Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
