I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
