I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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