you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
